Best Known For: being a legal expert for CNN and FOX; covered the O.J. Simpson trial; host of Burden of Proof and On the Record with Greta Van Susteren.

Why You Wouldn't Expect Her To Be a Scientologist: Well, she has an education, for one, and by all accounts was a pretty good lawyer. Second, she’s on the FOX network, which tends to put tree-huggin' Democrats ahead of Scientology's foe, the cursed space pirate Xenu, on their Most Wanted Lists.

Connections: Her husband John “Bhopal” Coale represented Lisa Marie Presley (Scientologist) in her divorce. Lisa Marie is of course the daughter of Elvis Presley, who enjoyed eating ham a lot (below; ham's religious affiliations unknown).

The law firm owned by Van Susteren and her husband has also brought a lawsuit against Wellspring, a cult recovery facility, for reasons unclear, since Scientology is so obviously not a cult at all. (Note to Scientologists: please don't sue.)

Presumed Operating Thetan Level: We're not sure about Van Susteren, but her husband is a level 8, the highest level currently available (can only be achieved while on a boat at sea; seriously, we are not making this shit up).