Why He Appears Mentally Disabled

Famously, Bush has cleared more brush than, well, a guy who's cleared a lot of brush. It's his hobby—moving sticks around like a real live cowboy. Go figure.

Why He's Actually a Genius

He made America forget that he's actually from the North. The cowboy president was, in fact, born in Connecticut and attended high school at the prestigious Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass. He moved on to college at Yale in New Haven, Conn. and then graduate school at Harvard in Cambridge, Mass., all the while spending summers at his family's estate in Kennebunkport, Maine.

The Pudding (Where The Proof Is)

All you other retaaaaads from New England haven't been able to drop that accent. Not only did Bush avoid it, he pulled a Southern one out of thin air the same way Madonna started talking like Oliver Twist after living in England for two months.