1. "Hey, good-lookin', how about a little mutual prestidigitation?"

    

2. "Now watch closely, my dear, as I say the magic word... Viagracadabra!"

    

3. "One time I actually *did* make a rabbit disappear into thin air -- but I was on crack at the time."

    

4. "Wait a minute... you mean there's a *book* named 'David Copperfield'? Why didn't somebody tell me years ago!?! Oh, man, do I feel dumb."

    

5. "One time, at band camp, I made a flute disappear."

    

6. "The first, second and third Mrs. Gingriches really swear by that eye of Newt thing!"

    

7. "He *must* be one of us. He made the entire dessert cart disappear."

    

8. "And the award for best escape artist award goes to... The Great Clintoni and his lovely assistant, Ms. Reno!"

    

9. "Will the owner of a green Lincoln Navigator please come to the information desk? Your vehicle has turned into a frog."

    

10. "Nothing up his sleeve. For that matter, there's nothing in his pants, either."

     

11. "Thanks, Governor, but we've seen your 'vanishing history of drug abuse' trick already."

     

12. "Who was that woman I sawed you with last night?"

     

13. "I told you to hire *Penn* for $100,000 to do the keynote speech, NOT Teller!"

     

14. "I'm here for the David Copperfield Supermodel Hypnosis seminar."

     

15. "The 'Magnificent' Mancini, my ass. Let me tell you, his hand ain't the ONLY thing quicker than the eye."

     

16. "Okay, Mandrake, that's $20 for straight-up, $30 for around the world, and an extra $50 if you wanna saw me in half."

    and the Number 1 Thing Heard at a Magic Convention...

     

17. "For my next trick, I will make the pain, bitterness and humiliation of a failed career in show business disappear, using only this fifth of vodka."

via topfive

1. Hey! It’s MY turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the worship service early!
9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

via ismckenzie

Getty Images

10. What was your name again?

9. Shhhh, or you'll wake my parents.

8. You're not supposed to actually blow on it.

7. Don't worry, I don't think this is contagious.

6. Is it in?

5. Your mom/dad was better at that.

4. Do you mind if my roommate watches?

3. Ooops!

2. Let me read you some of my poetry first.

1. Would you suck on my tail?

via shine.yahoo